Thanksgiving dinner is a great American tradition. Turkey, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes–these are all classic dishes dating back to the very first Thanksgiving in 1957, when the US was thankful the Soviets didn’t kill all of us with Sputnik. Thanks, Soviet Union! Right neighborly of you.
You may be tempted to change up the traditional Thanksgiving menu. Maybe you’re bored, maybe you’re not thankful about the Sputnik thing at all, you damn Commie rat. Anyway: here are a few Thanksgiving foods to maybe avoid. Some of them may sound good, but just trust us on this: you do NOT want any of these on your dining table on the big holiday:
Green beef casserole.
Diet sweet potatoes, with aspertame.
Mac and Cheetos.
Creamed candy corn.
Potatoes au Rotten.
Swiss charred remains.
Avoid these, and avoid any eye contact with your family, and you’re off to the best Thanksgiving ever!
Where were YOU 100 years ago? Like at least 30% of the population, you probably weren’t even alive yet. The other 70% of the population was alive 100 years ago, but they don’t remember what life was like back then, the poor dopes. Not because they’re so frightfully old, but because there were some REALLY good drugs 100 years ago. If you wanted cocaine, you could just buy a bottle of Coke. If you wanted heroin, you could just buy a box of Heroin-Os breakfast cereal. You have no idea the good times you missed.
Luckily, there are still photos from 100 years ago. Take a gander at these photos, and remember: there are bonus facts if you hover your mouse over the photos, or have a friend hover their mouse over you while you look at the photos.
Young Harry Anderson & John Larroquette on the set of “Jim Henson’s Night Court Babies.”
The Germans lost the first World War because their generals spent all day out in pastures staring at Turkish dudes on horses.
Most World War I trenches were equipped so that you could talk on the phone while you were on the can.
Santa and Mrs. Claus arrive at Ellis Island.
Before surgery was invented, patients were wheeled into the operating room, stared at for seven or eight hours, and then discharged.
All newborn babies were required to be inspected by a representative of the Toddler Navy.
By law, Mexican wrestling could only take place in Grandma’s coat closet, with no audience and no opponent.
Some people have NO idea what Thanksgiving is, the poor dopes. Is it a type of freshwater fish? Is it a village in Lithuania? Well, don’t worry–Disalmanac has ALL the fact-like facts about this great American tradition:
Yes, your grocery store’s cereal aisle may look like it’s packed with so many options that you fall into a catatonic stupor when forced to choose just one combination of grains and sugar to bring home to eat every goddamned day. But in fact, many cereals are developed that, for one reason or another, never make it to stores (usually, that reason is they suck).
Here is a list of rejected breakfast cereals–which ones would YOU like to try?
Cap’n Crunk with Crunkberries.
Honey Bunches of Toes.
Children of the Corn Chex.
Kashi Go Fuck Yourself.
Cinnamon Oat MURDER.
Sugar Frosted Whatever Was Laying Around The Cereal Factory That Day.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was among the most prolific and popular of classical composers. He was a child prodigy, both writing the opera “The Marriage of Figaro” and starring in “Hannah Montana” by the age of 14.
But once he turned 18, Mozart wanted to break away from the work of his tween years. He started sticking his tongue out all the damn time. He wore provocative clothing and got really questionable tattoos. He smoked a marijuana reefer cigarette joint onstage at the European Music Awards in 1775. He appeared nearly nude on a wrecking ball in the video for the “A Minor Piano Sonata (K. 310/300d).” He licked a sledgehammer in the video for “Divertimento in F.”
People were staring to get upset–a composer of his talent should NOT be licking a sledgehammer. After all, he doesn’t know where his tongue has been.
More disturbingly, Mozart was attempting to twerk every time he appeared in public. He was seen (while wearing a skintone swimsuit thing) bending over and grinding his rear butt area into the Emperor’s general genital region. For some reason, people were more scandalized by Mozart’s behavior than the fact that the Emperor was dressed like Betelgeuse and singing about date rape.
But even Mozart’s father Billy Ray Mozart couldn’t defend all the twerking, and soon Mozart’s career was finished. He died at the age of 35, doing what he loved: licking construction equipment while grinding against creepy middle-aged dudes.
Things were very different 100 years ago. Can you imagine a time before Pokemon? A world where no one has ever heard of Mario Kart 3? Can you even consider what life was like before Saved By The Bell: The College Years? Neither can we.
And but so here are seven photographs from 100 years ago. Hover your mouse over the photos for extra facts. No mouse? Use that weird neighbor lady’s pet ferret!
Yes, there was Twitter 100 years ago–but you had to write your tweets down and staple them to your hat.
Bjork traveled back to 1914 to marry this monkey.
You had to pay outrageous roaming charges if you took your megaphone out of the country.
A rare photo of the Central Park Fairy, who would beguile passers-by by stealing their wallets and then shooting them in the face.
People didn’t get how the ocean worked.
The world’s first and only cardboard train was a dismal failure.
Someone turned the Archduke into a handy floor lamp.
Connecticut is home to America’s National Boredom Reserve. Yes, in case of a worldwide boredom shortage, the US will be ready with visits to your great aunt, waiting around in your podiatrist’s office and plenty of heaping helpings of playing checkers with your grandmother.
Because boredom is Connecticut’s greatest natural resource. The great boredom mines of New Haven and Hartford will be up and running through at least the year 2300. And while there’s plenty of boredom to go around, Connecticut likes to keep most of it for its own residents, all of whom are currently so bored out of their skulls, they’re thinking about maybe pouring Rice Chex in the toaster to see what might happen, or maybe cooking their shoes just to see what they taste like. Yes, residents of Connecticut are THAT bored.
If you’re planning a vacation to beautiful, boring Connecticut, try the huge amusement park Six Flags Over Yawwwwwwwwn. Here, you can ride the dullest rollercoaster on the planet, the Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzipper. Basically, you wait in line for seven hours and then sit on a folding chair for ten hours alone in a windowless room. It’s action-packed, two-fisted fun for the whole family in Connecticut!
Or, maybe you will believe them. We don’t know. We’re not you. We don’t know if you believe old-timey photos, or if you’re an old-timey photo atheist or agnostic. It’s none of our business, frankly. It’s a free country. Forget we brought it up.
Anyway: here are 7 more old-timey photos from old-timey times! Remember: you can get bonus facts from hovering your mouse over each photo. If you don’t have a mouse, buy one at a pet shop near you today.
CEOs of major corporations started each day by bowing down to Bondor, God of Darkness. Just like today!
Early flights included free lap dances.
Even 100 years ago, this is how people reacted to a new Adam Sandler movie.
Hospital nurses plan the bloody revolution that they hoped would result in doctors having to clean out all the damn bedpans.
When you died, you weren’t buried or cremated–you were simply placed in a comical position on a park bench.
He invented a time machine and went into the future just to collect all these sweet 45s by totally obscure ’90s indie bands.
This is as undressed as the early Chippendales would get. Sorry, ladies.