Iron: Another Damn Element

Posted on by
Reply

Iron, element number 26 on the periodic table, is the element you use to flatten your clothes. So that’s handy. Have you ever tried pressing the wrinkles out of your clothes with other elements? Sure, helium makes your shirts talk in a goofy, high-pitched voice, but it actually leaves your dress shirts and suit jackets even MORE wrinkled than before.

In the movies, Iron Man is a superhero played by Robert Downey, Jr. who shows up at wrinkled-clothing emergencies and presses tuxedos, wedding dresses–wherever clothing is wrinkled, Iron Man is there! Who knew ironing made for such compelling cinema?

Of course, there is also the classic Black Sabbath song “Iron Man,” about an iron man who destroys all of Mankind because his pants came back from the dry cleaners slightly wrinkled. Understandable.

Scientists have long wondered what would happen if Iron Man met Iron Man. Would Iron Man destroy Iron Man, or would Iron Man destroy Iron Man? We may never know, unless that’s the plot of Iron Man 4. Which would rock ass.

One thing’s for sure: if iron didn’t exist, all our clothing would talk in a squeaky, helium voice, and that would get REALLY annoying REALLY quickly.

IRON REMINDER: Pre-order the Disalmanac book, get a free autographed (paper, not iron) bookmark! And maybe win some original art from the book–details here.

Beethoven: Music Guy

Posted on by
3

Ludwig van Beethoven is considered among the greatest composers in history–right up there with the guy who wrote the greatest composition of all time, “I’m blue da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die.”

But being a great composer was difficult for Beethoven. By the time he wrote his Fifth Symphony (the one that goes, “Na na na na hey hey hey, goodbye”), he was mostly deaf. By the time of his Sixth Symphony (the one that goes, “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto”), he was also blind and mute.

By the time Beethoven completed his final symphony, the majestic Ninth Symphony (the one that goes, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly”), he had lost both his arms, both his legs, his torso and most of his head–he was, essentially, a head in a jar. Incredibly, Beethoven conducted the orchestra at the premiere of the Ninth Symphony, even though by then he was just three brain cells in a puddle on the floor.

Sure, it’s no “I’m blue da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die,” but the world still loves Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. Sadly, he died before completing his Tenth Symphony, which was to start, “Stop, collaborate and listen.”

REMEMBER: Pre-order the Disalmanac book, get a free autographed bookmark! And maybe win some original art from the book–details here.

Disalmanac Podcast 047: William Howard Taft (with Janet Varney)

Posted on by
Reply

Janet Varney!Disalmanac Podcast 047 (approximately eight minutes)

This week: an exciting podcast about the also-exciting William Howard Taft, who is among our most spherical of presidents (as opposed to Harry Truman, who was our squarest president, and Richard Nixon, our most rhomboid).

And stay tuned for a Random Bonus Fact about the inexplicable 1970s pet rock craze from Janet Varney–she’s the founder of SF Sketchfest, the voice of Korra on Nickelodeon’s “The Legend of Korra,” podcaster of the Nerdist’s The JV Club, and, if she were president, she would be among our most parallelogrammatical. Good job, Janet!

The AV Club said of the Disalmanac Podcast: “The reward is in the bizarre snowball effect.” So if you need bizarre snowballs, download this podcast NOW, Slappy!

Double-click the link above to download the podcast. Or, subscribe to us on iTunes. Whatever.

REMEMBER: Pre-order the Disalmanac book, get a free autographed bookmark! And maybe win some original art from the book–details here.

Virginia Beach, Virginia: A Large American City

Posted on by
1

This is true: according to 2011 US Census figures, Virginia Beach, Virginia is the 39th largest city in the US. Larger than Atlanta. Larger than Cleveland. Larger than Minneapolis, Tampa, Anaheim, Saint Louis and Pittsburgh. 100% true.

Now: have YOU ever heard of Virginia Beach, Virginia? Because we haven’t. There’s no Virginia Beach NFL team, and no Virginia Beach NHL team. You know who has BOTH an NFL AND an NHL team? Buffalo, which has about half the population of Virginia Beach, Virginia.

We found this little fact highly suspicious, so we did a little research. We contacted Julian Assange, Anonymous, and Robert Downey, Jr., since he plays Sherlock Holmes in the movies. Nice guy, it turns out! He hadn’t heard of Virginia Beach either.

And but so: after months of poking around, we can now announce: Virginia Beach, Virginia is a hoax–it’s a tax dodge set up by the Koch Brothers and Apple Computer. This so-called “Virginia Beach, Virginia” is just a post office box in the Cayman Islands! Have you ever tried to fit 440,000 Virginians into a post office box? Lord knows we’ve often wanted to try, but no. It is impossible.

And Virginia Beach, Virginia is just the tip of the hoax-berg! Another made-up city is Colorado Springs, Colorado, which is also larger than every city listed above except Atlanta. Here are some other made-up cities besides Virginia Beach, Virginia and Colorado Springs, Colorado:

  • North Carolina Hill, North Carolina.
  • Rhode Island Island, Rhode Island.
  • South Dakota Giant Festering Hole In The Ground, South Dakota.
  • New Jersey Meadowlands, New Jersey.

We’re on to all of you. Even you, New York City, New York.

Neptune: Another Damn Planet Thing Or Whatever

Posted on by
1

Neptune is the eighth and final full-sized planet from our sun. After Neptune, there are a handful of pint-sized dwarf planets like Pluto, but Neptune could totally take them in a fight.

That’s how a planet joins our solar system: fight club. The first time a planet shows up, it a) has to promise to NOT talk about it, and b) that planet MUST fight. If the newcomer planet is lucky, it’ll get a shrimpy planet like Mercury or Mars to fight. Once the new planet beats the crap out of Mercury or Mars, boom! It’s part of our solar system. This is how the Earth joined the solar system in 1952.

But sometimes, a newcomer planet comes along and has to fight Neptune, a gas giant. Not a big, fat, easily-winded gas giant like Jupiter (Mars beat Jupiter to join the solar system, for Christ’s sake), nor a please-don’t-hit-me-in-the-face pretty boy like Saturn, Neptune is a bruiser in tip-top physical shape who does 16 hours of P90X every damn day–man, are it’s muscles ever confused and ready to beat you into a bloody pulp.

Don’t fuck with Neptune, is all we’re saying. It’ll mess you up.

REMEMBER: Pre-order the Disalmanac book, get a free autographed bookmark! And maybe win some original art from the book–details here.

Hawaii: Another Damn State

Posted on by
Reply

Hawaii is America’s fiftieth and final state. And as everyone knows, there can only be fifty. If there were, say, 51 or 53 or even 59 states, life as we know it on Earth would cease to exist.

It’s a very real danger–in 1974, the US Senate considered proclaiming the Canadian province of Saskatchewan to be a US state, mainly because we really needed the extra storage space. Earth shoes and pet rocks took up a LOT of space. Because, you know: the 1970s.

As the Senate moved toward its final vote to officially make Saskatchewan America’s 51st state, there was suddenly a blinding flash and puff of smoke on the Senate floor. A future man had travelled through time from the far-off year 1997. He warned that when the Senate went through with making Saskatchewan a state, the magnetic poles of the Earth dramatically shifted, hurtling most everything that wasn’t nailed down into deep space. The only survivors were people who had been underground at the time, and cockroaches.

The Senate immediately went into recess, which they were going to do anyway. Eventually, they forgot about making Saskatchewan a state, because disco and “Welcome Back, Kotter” and Jaws. The future man went back to the future–a very different future than the one he left, presumably.

Did the US Senate do the right thing? We may never know about the whole magnetic-pole thing, but one thing is for sure: we decidedly did NOT have time travel by the year 1997, PLUS we have Nickelback and Justin Bieber. Clearly, we have chosen the dystopian future. We suck.

And that’s everything you need to know about Hawaii. We hope you took notes.

REMEMBER: Pre-order the Disalmanac book, get a free autographed bookmark! And maybe win some original art from the book–details here.

Mexico City: A City Somewhere

Posted on by
Reply

Mexico City is a city located in Mexico. It’s near Mexico Lake, just south of Mexico Mountain and northeast of Mexico Canyon.

No, no, you’ve gone too far–now you’re in Mexico Medium-Sized Town. Look, it’s easy. Just get back on Mexico Road, go right past Mexico Gas Station and turn left at Mexico Mall. Then go about ten Mexico Miles to Mexico Highway and you can’t miss it.

Actually, Mexico Road’s all torn up due to Mexico Construction (they’re filling in all those Mexico Potholes) and you’ll hit a huge Mexico Traffic Jam if you go that way. So instead, head Mexico North on Mexico Boulevard, turn right at the second Mexico Light–that’s Mexico Avenue. Go three Mexico Blocks to the Mexico Taco Bell and hang a Mexico Right onto Mexico Parkway.

Now, you’ll want to stay on Mexico Parkway for about a Mexico Hour. You’ll go past Mexico Town, Mexico Waterpark, Mexico Grandpa’s Cheese Barn, and MexicoWorld, the Mexico Mexico-themed Mexico Theme Park. This will put you in the Mexico Heart of Mexico Mexico, and but so you can’t Mexico Miss Mexico Mexico City.

While in Mexico City, be sure to visit Mexico Tourist Attraction, Mexico Statue, and Mexico Building, the Mexico Tallest building in all of Mexico Mexico Mexico. And don’t forget to end your Mexico Visit to Mexico Mexico City by Mexico Visiting the Mexico Mexico Capital of Mexico Mexico Mexico Mexico, the most historic Mexico Mexico Mexico Mexico Mexico Mexican Thing In all of Mexico Mexico Mexico City Mexico Mexico Mexico Mexico City City Mexico. Mexico!

MEXICO: Mexico Pre-order the Mexico Disalmanac Book, get a free Mexico Autographed Mexico Bookmark! And maybe win some original art from the book–Mexico Details here.

Disalmanac Podcast 046: Mars (with Matt Oswalt)

Posted on by
Reply

Disalmanac Podcast 046 (approximately eight and a half minutes)

This week’s podcast is about the planet Mars, and certainly not the Roman god Mars. That guy’s a troublemaker. Who died and made HIM god of war, anyway?

And stay tuned for a Random Bonus Fact about your Disalmanacarian, Scott Bateman, from Matt Oswalt, the brains behind the daily video comic Puddin’ on YouTube. We wish we’d been smart enough to create a job that allows us to eat pudding every damn day. The dude’s a genius.

Double-click the link above to download the podcast. Or, subscribe to us on iTunes. Whatever.

REMEMBER: Pre-order the Disalmanac book, get a free autographed bookmark! And maybe win some original art from the book–details here.

Andrew Carnegie: An American History-Type Person

Posted on by
Reply

19th century steel magnate Andrew Carnegie was one of America’s first millionaires, mainly due to his uncanny ability to sell Americans steel clothing and steel food. Yes, millions starved from not getting enough nutrients in their all-steel diet, but they looked totally bad-ass and steampunk and shit.

But Carnegie was more than just a brilliant millionaire. He was a philanthropist, funding Carnegie Hall in New York City. Here, the most famous opera singers of the day wore their tight steel bodices and either collapsed on stage due to their all-steel diet or exploded when they tried to hit the high notes in “La Traviata.” Both of these were a vast improvement to the previously dull, dull art of opera, and we have Andrew Carnegie to thank for exploding sopranos and fainting tenors.

But what is Carnegie’s legacy today? He has none. People stopped eating steel when they discovered that fast food was even worse for them; nobody wears steel anymore except Lady Gaga when she’s lounging around her all-meat penthouse. Today’s cars are made of lighter materials, such as cardboard and crepe paper. Let’s face it: steel kind of sucks. And opera definitely sucks, even at the end when the fat lady explodes.

REMEMBER: Pre-order the Disalmanac book, get a free autographed bookmark! And maybe win some original art from the book–details here.

Code Of Hammurabi: An Old History Thing Or Something

Posted on by
Reply

Dating back to at least 1772 BC, the Code of Hammurabi is one of the oldest pieces of writing in the world. And what a page-turner it is! Sadly, it’s carved on giant stone tablets, so it takes approximately forty strong men and several oxen seven hours to turn each page. But still!

Much of the Code of Hammurabi contains the laws of the Babylonian king Hammurabi, who was somewhat insane by the time he dictated his Code. For instance, the crime of theft was punishable by forcing the guilty party to put on a one-man production of “Cats” while standing knee-deep in the Euphrates, while murder was punishable by torturing the killer with a never-ending loop of the song “We Built This City.” This punishment is what historians believe drove Hammurabi insane.

Much of Hammurabi’s Code is given over to civil law–how much to pay a surgeon (your first-born child) or a barber (your sixteenth-born child), divorce (in cases of adultery, the wife gets half the husband’s mistress), and property law (all your base belong to Hammurabi). Also, every male citizen was required to wear Hammurabi pants and stop for Hammurabi time every day at noon.

As primitive as all this may seem today, the Code of Hammurabi forms the basis for most of today’s laws. And though the playing of “We Built This City” is now banned by the Geneva Convention, you can still see thousands of thieves standing in America’s rivers, mournfully singing “Memory” while dressed in a Garfield suit.

REMEMBER: Pre-order the Disalmanac book, get a free autographed bookmark! And maybe win some original art from the book–details here.