5 Old-Timey Photos That Are Like, Whoa

Have you ever stopped to consider what life was like back in the early 20th century? No, you have not. You are too busy playing Pac-Man, saying “no” to drugs, and watching “Who’s The Boss,” or whatever it is you kids do these days. Damn kids! Stop throwing eggs at our house! Those eggs somehow caused $20,000 damage to our house! How is that even possible? Were the eggs the size of a Buick or some shit? We may never know.

Anyway, please enjoy these old-timey photos. Hopefully, WordPress won’t eat our alternate captions this time and you’ll be able to see them by waving your mouse in each photo’s general direction:

In the early days, the Antarctic was ruled by Siberian Huskies, who forced men to pull them to the nearest tree in man-sleds. Sadly, the nearest tree was in Chile.

In the early days, the Antarctic was ruled by Siberian Huskies, who forced men to pull them to the nearest tree in man-sleds. Sadly, the nearest tree was in Chile.

When polygamy was outlawed, Mormons headed for the beach to marry as many bull elephant seals as possible.

When polygamy was outlawed, Mormons headed for the beach to marry as many bull elephant seals as possible.

For minor offenses, pirates would only make you sit on the plank and catch butterflies.

For minor offenses, pirates would only make you sit on the plank and catch butterflies.

Teensy little soldiers unload the bullets for the regular-sized soldiers at the Battle of Arrgles.

Teensy little soldiers unload the bullets for the regular-sized soldiers at the Battle of Arrgles.

Grandpa passed out drunk again in the garage, so Gramma put on her scrubs and removed his liver.

Grandpa passed out drunk again in the garage, so Gramma put on her scrubs and removed his liver.

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9 New Names For Chris Christie’s BridgeGate scandal

Seems like ol’ New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is up to his neck in a scandal called BridgeGate. But let’s face it: BridgeGate is a TERRIBLE name for a scandal. We’ve tried to sex up BridgeGate with nine new possible names. CNN, call us maybe?

  • Bridge On The River Corruption.
  • The Bridges Of Asshole County.
  • Bridge To Terabilgovernor.
  • Bridge To The 21st Century Mayor Who Refused To Endorse Chris Christie.
  • Mr. Spock, Report To The Bridge And Then Get Stuck In Traffic For Three Hours.
  • The Bridge of San Luis Revenge.
  • BridgeGateGate (the scandal ABOUT the scandal).
  • Many Rivers To Cross, But Only One Lane Of Traffic Open On The GWB Bridge.
  • Chris Christie Talked For Like, Two Fucking Hours On Thursday, Pre-empting The Disalmanacarian’s Episode Of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” In The Greater New York City Area (OK, Maybe That’s Just Us, But We’re Still Pissed).

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5 Photos From 100 Years Ago That Will Blow Your Mind, Slappy

The 20th century was a very different time. For instance, people 100 years ago didn’t have Magic: The Gathering. Everything else, though, was exactly the same.

Here are five more old-timey photos from the early 20th century. As always: if you have a mouse, you may hover it over each photo for a Random Bonus Fact. If you don’t have a mouse: go catch one and teach it how to hover.

All farmers were two year old girls. Here's one trying to milk a "horsey."

All farmers were two year old girls. Here’s one trying to milk a “horsey.”

Everybody had a frontal butt.

Most men replaced their genitalia with a fashionable-but-weird-looking frontal butt.

A popular job: door-to-door "That's Amoré" singers.

A popular job: door-to-door “That’s Amoré” singers.

Spinster school marms grew wild in the jungles of Kansas.

Spinster school marms grew wild in the jungles of Kansas.

God delegated creating fish to this group of nuns.

God delegated creating fish to this group of nuns.

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Welcome To Disalmanac, The Web’s Home Of Fact-Like Facts

Congratulations! Simply by pointing your browser to us, your IQ has increased by twenty points.

Here’s how Disalmanac works:

  • Most of the daily action is over at our Twitter: several updates daily about what happened today in history, plus breaking news updates. Very fact-like!
  • We post something to this blog most weekdays. Come back often!
  • We post charts and other fact-like graphics over at our Tumblr.
  • There is completely different material at all three of these social media outlets.
  • Our book, Disalmanac: A Book Of Fact-Like Facts came out in September. Buy it now! Aside from 320 pages of our own facts (and 150 illustrations), it features brief Random Bonus Facts from Neil Gaiman, Al Yankovic, Michael Ian Black, and more.
  • Our podcast is currently on hiatus, but you can get caught up on all the previous episodes here. Guests have included Wil Wheaton, Reggie Watts, the UK band Clinic, and more.

So check us out on all your favorite Internet things, and have a fact-like day.

Anaheim: City-Like Place

You may be tempted to take your family to Anaheim, CA for a nice vacation at Disneyland. That’s exactly what they want you to do, the sinister fiends.

You see, the entire Disney Corporation–Disneyland, the DIsney Channel, all those Disney movies–are simply a clever ruse by the real rulers of Anaheim: the Mighty Ducks. Not the hockey team, but actual mighty ducks.

These ducks are over fifty feet tall. They weigh over three tons each, and they need a constant supply of human flesh to keep them fed. The mighty ducks of Anaheim lure hundreds of thousands of tourists to Disneyland every year and then eat them, usually during Space Mountain but sometimes during It’s A Small World or the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. The bloodshed is horrible, as is the triumphant quacking of a fifty-foot tall duck who has just devoured an entire family of eight from Fresno.

So take our advice: avoid Anaheim at all costs. Take your family somewhere safer: San DIego is nice, and its ducks are only fourteen feet tall. You and your family, armed with pointed sticks, could probably take one out. And think of the wonderful vacation photos, your family standing on the beach, covered in goo from the hideous monster duck they just killed. Ah, memories.

LIST: 11 Other Names For The Polar Vortex

This week America is being hit by record cold temperatures, thanks to a winter storm called a Polar Vortex. But did you know that “Polar Vortex” was only one name considered for this new type of weather pattern? Humor us, won’t you?

Anyway: here are eleven other names that the National Weather Organization considered before deciding on “Polar Vortex.”

  • Snow Bastard.
  • The Cold-As-Fuck Machine.
  • That Frigid-Ass Shit.
  • You Know What? Screw Canada And Their God Damn Weather Crossing The Border Illegally.
  • Zero Degrees Kelvin.
  • Temperatures That Make Uranus Feel Like The Surface Of The Damn Sun, For Christ’s Sake.
  • “Freeze Frame” by the J. Geils Band.
  • If You Want To Stay Warm, Try Sleeping In Your Freezer.
  • Let’s All Move To Brazil Or Some Shit.
  • Dr. Freeze’s Summer Home.
  • Winter Carnival From Hell.

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LIST: 9 Highlights of 2014 (SPOILER ALERTS)

Yes, we know 2014 just began. We remember it like it was yesterday.

BUT: We’ve looked ahead at 2014 already. And using all the high-tech means available to us (i.e., guessing), we can boldly predict with great certainty that these nine items will be the highlights of 2014:

  1. January 31: Taco Bell introduces new Nacho Cheese Doritos Coke.
  2. February 10: Russia cancels the Sochi WInter Olympics when they realize how gay the mens figure skating is.
  3. March 16: President Obama introduces a new, affordable Hair Club For Men for low-income Americans, ObamaHair.
  4. April 9: Space aliens make contact with the human race, asking that that one guy in that fancy-ass Land Rover “turn down that Skrillex crap. It’s keeping our entire planet awake.”
  5. June 1: The biggest movie of the summer opens, Will Smith’s “Shooting Guns While Shit Blows Up.” During its opening weekend, it makes over $400 butt-tillion at the box office.
  6. August 27: Running out of ways to shock people, Miley Cyrus kills, cooks, and eats Selena Gomez onstage.
  7. October 31: 2014′s scariest Halloween costume: Steven Tyler’s saggy, fleshy lips.
  8. November 9: Starbucks introduces the Soylent Greenaccino.
  9. December 23: The War on Christmas ends when the pro-Christmas side uses the nuclear option.

So there you go! Now you can sleep until 2015.

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7 Old-Timey Photos Of New Years Celebrations

New Years Eve wasn’t always about Ryan Seacrest, you know. There was a time when New Years meant something–it meant that you were going to have to stare at Dick Clark for several hours, wondering how the hell he managed to look 14 until he was like, 90. Clearly, souls were sold.

Anyway, try if you can to imagine a New Years celebration before Dick Clark existed. If that’s too difficult, look at these seven old-timey photos of old-timey New Years, and feel sad that we’re stuck in the dystopic future with Ryan Seacrest. As always: hover your mouse over the photos for bonus facts:

It was much easier to find a good spot in Times Square.

The Rose Parade was much smaller, and instead of floats and marching bands there was just this, two guys standing a hay cart in their backyard.

On New Years Day, children would go hide out in the wheat field until they were found. Sadly, they were usually found by the thresher. Sorry, kids.

Another fun New Years tradition of yesteryear: Jesus lessons.

New Years Day meant taking the family out to scout new locations to dispose of all of the coming year’s dead bodies.

Also on New Years Day: the white guys who ran the country decided how miserable to make everyone else’s life for the next 12 months. Pretty miserable, it turns out!

And at midnight on New Years Eve, everyone counted down until this guy’s ball finally dropped.

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LIST: 13 Best Months Of 2013

Oh boy, there sure were a lot of months this year! Here’s our list of the very best months of 2013:

  1. August.
  2. Second half of March/First half of April.
  3. November.
  4. October.
  5. National Records and Information Management Month.
  6. January.
  7. May.
  8. National Frozen Food Month.
  9. That month when we took that trip to Portland. Was that September or October? Anyway–THAT month.
  10. July.
  11. December.
  12. June.

Sorry, February and National Accordion Awareness Month–better luck next year!

What was YOUR favorite month of 2013? Leave a comment or something, geez.

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